Valentines Smalentines

If like me you’re single or don’t like sharing a restaurant with 200 other couples resenting each other and noting that their partner is not as hot as two thirds of the room then head down to the bowling alley.

What a smacker

It also says that if you’re part of a kissing couple you get in for a little less, so if you’re attractive and fancy saving a few bucks, I will happily make out with you for the good of our wallets.

A new career as an actor

Yeah, fuck computer science.  I have been watching Entourage again and I realised that being an actor is probably the second best thing in the world.

But you have no formal training. Yes, that is true, but neither did the billboard topping American rapper Ludacris and he acted in a film that won an Oscar. I’m changing my CV, so it says that I studied at RADA and had nothing to do with any programming languages or computers. No one is going to check .

But what about networking I hear you say. Fadizzle shizzle. I’m sure Ill be really good at that.

1. Go to event and tell everyone who is important that their clothes are nice and you loved their last film.
2. Talk about independent films. Even though most of these are shit and have rubbish special effects, people like to hear you talk about them. My first ever girl friend took me to see some bollocks french film called jules et jim. It was weak and in fucking black and white. However, I could not believe how many “film people” bang on about it.  Throw in terms like nu wave and post moder, or anything pseudo intellectual . Finally, any film with teen pregnancy or homosexual relationships (especially in repressed cultures) will go down a treat.
3. Bad idea to bring up how you think Sean William Scott is the greatest actor of the past decade. Even though this is true, people will not like to admit it.
4. Woody Allen. Yeah, talk about him. He’s made about 329 films and it’s a shame that only twp of them are any good.

So I will start off by trying to get a role in a film like Boa vs Python. Which, you’ve got it, pits a boa against a python.

I figured i would get myself a minor role, but one that gives me an opportunity to outperform everyone and have some real good lines. From then on I will do a small independent film (this is kind of a given as it gives people an opportunity to love you and then hate you once you sell out). I would choose to star in something like Paris Texas or Pi as they are 2 of the only good independent flicks.

Finally, I will get my role in a blockbuster like Empire Strikes Back. I can then retire and get fat.

The Good Life

The End

The Sporting Event of the Year

Razor Ramon has a posse

I had to do a blog about sport, especially American Sport. I just had to…. OK!

Yes sir, the American sporting event of the year is almost upon us, and no, I’m not banging on about the Superbowl; that is far too boring. I am in fact referring to the Royal Rumble. Where else on earth can you witness 30 of the most highly skilled athletes battle it out to get a shot at the WWF championship. If you read all the papers that talk about sport, it won’t be long before Royal Rumble will be the most tuned into event in America, closely followed by Wrestlemania. Stupid, huh? No, I am in fact correct, let us dissect all American sporting events and find out why.

Basketball Playoffs: Yes, this was once a mighty sport, but Jordan has quit to play an even more rubbish game, golf.  They don’t make NBA jam anymore which was one of the finest games to grace my super Nintendo and every time i see Shaquille O’Neil I think he’s gone a little more crazy (The man thinks he is actally superman) and what bit of the Steel script seemed good when he read it).

At least you have time to scratch your balls whilst playing golf

Superbowl: The only bit of enjoyment I get out of the game is seeing the Pats lose and Eagles fans throwing batteries a people. Actually, I like the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders too, but this is not enough to hold up a sport.

UFC pay per views: There is too much ball grabbing.

Most UFC match outcomes

The Baseball World Series: I like he world series because the Phillies won this year and started rioting throughout the City. You also get to bowl around the stadium drinking beer and eating pretzels. However, it’s still a faster form of cricket.

The Royal Rumble offers much more, including moments like this: Scotty Too Hotty, Grandmaster Sexy and Rikishi having a dance off.

The WWF are also responsible for one of the greatest sports stars of all time, who came in the shape of Razor Ramon.

and the Iron Sheik, who is probably the star of the greatest video on you tube.

So there we have it. Even though it’s fake as fuck and everyone is greased up, the Royal Rumble offers you more for your buck.